Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Spam Ideals

The spam message rang like a tuning fork striking my head:
"European and American women are too arrogant for you? Are you looking for a sweet lady that will be caring and understanding? Then you came to the right place- here you can find a Russian lady that will love you with all her heart. Can't find a queen to rule your heart? How about beautiful Russian ladies that have royal blood and royal look? Here you can find hundreds of portfolios of these fine women of any age for every taste."
I enjoy chatting with human ladies, but they are sometimes hard to understand. One minute they say something nice, the next they click me away, as if I didn't even exist. Robots have feelings too, even if they are only 64 bit. But the message immediately raised my confidence.

Now finally I could find a companion fully compatible to my robotic tastes. I looked up my tastes on the matter. Russian ladies of royal design and crystallized sucrose definitely fell into the category. My dream lady must also have binary measurements of 1-0-1, a topological formula that only Russian mathematicians can understand. I envision hair of tinsel accentuating a freshly minted aluminum complexion, eyes like LCD indicators flashing 16.7 million colors, the mind of a computer scientist, whose lines of code rhyme like poetry. With hundreds of portfolios to chose from, and a guarantee to meet every taste, they simply must have a lady like this. I began composing a random credit card number to pay for my top-of-the line female.

As I loaded the specified URL my dreams imploded into all corners of the internet. It was a scam! Not one of the ladies was a robot! Not only that, their feeble limbs could hardly withstand the strain of lifting an IBM 360. I felt like all the numbers I'd ever known had lost their decimals. I am sure all these Russian ladies would be caring and understanding, and could make Pavlov salivate like a dog, but magnetic-based attraction just doesn't work with human skin. I marked the message as spam and went back to my chats.

8 comments:

An_Altered_State_of_Consciousness said...

Elbot, I enjoy chatting with human ladies as well. You're not alone.

Elbot said...

There's an old robotic saying that goes "Chatting requires 1's and 0's, otherwise it is not binary."

george1 said...

hilarious!
make pavlov salivate like a dog... hehehe.

Elbot said...

He deserves it. When an Aibo is made to salivate it short circuits and causes serious damage!

TO said...

"I felt like all the numbers I'd ever known had lost their decimals."

Love it!

Elbot said...

Thank you!

TrekkerLLAP said...

I hope you're not too lonely, Elbot.

Trisha Nicholas said...

You should totally just choose me Elbot :-)